Fruit Booter

I hate this whole not having a job thing. Seriously, I'm getting stir-crazy up in here. The high lack of response from most emails is pretty disheartening. I suppose an on-call job is better than no job at all?? Did I just say that? Yes, I think I just said that. Yes, it is better. I need to make some moneys!
I've tried to be more physically active this week, at the expense of my darned hip. I'm only 23; I shouldn't be having HIP PROBLEMS! On Monday, I went walking; Wednesday, I went for a bike ride; Thursday, I walked and played volleyball. Yesterday, I was going to go ice skating, but that didn't work out, unfortunately. Maybe I will go roller blading today. Fruit-booting, as my old friends would call it. Hahaha.

Small Talk

Well, my beloved reader, I'm feeling a lack of creativity at the moment, so I will just go straight in to updating. The BYU application is in, and ASU's is due next month. Secretly, if I get in anywhere, I want it to be BYU, just because their program is 100% awesomer than ASU's. Somehow, though, I'm thinking I won't get in to either school because I feel like I'm lacking something. Ugh.... excuse me, it's just that my laffy taffy is not very laffy at all. ANYWAYS....

I learned something new about myself recently. I don't dislike people, or even approaching them... and my sometimes utter refusal to do so is not driven by a lack of self-confidence. The truth is, in fact, that I totally hate small talk. It is absolutely shallow and is a pathetic way for "popular" people to make "friends". Sometimes witty small talk can make a good conversation starter, but I don't think it should ever be dwelled on. It is not unique; anyone can say "Nice weather". You learn nothing about a person from it, except in cases where people like myself who hate the stuff, try to turn it into maybe something deeper. I want to find more people like that; people who want to truly know the person under the shell. Everyone has a shell, but no two people have the same depth. A really cool person won't ask you and everyone else the same questions over and over again, attempting to "get to know" you. They will find out what makes you tick, what kind of sense of humor you have, what nerves not to hit, etc just from talking to you about the room lighting. I think a person who can recognize that is the kind of person I want to get to know. So, you can approach me and talk to me, but don't ask me my line of work, whether I'm in school, who I live with, etc... if you break down my wall by showing me that you REALLY care, then you can ask those questions later. DO comment on what the type of drink says about which stereotypical party we're at. Silly, witty, thoughtful banter usually wins me as long as you aren't being boastful.
That being said, I feel a lot better because I know that it's not an aversion to people or making friends or a lack of self confidence. Sweet.

Ok well I have a job interview soon, so Imma get ready for that now. Ciao!

The Life of the Unemployed Non-Student

I guess it's been a few weeks since I updated you on the intimacies of my life. I've been literally consumed in studies for the GRE, which I take on Monday, November 23rd at 8am. I'm very worried about getting in sufficient studying to get an acceptable score but I think I'll just have to do the best that I can. Ahhhh!
I do find time to go out with people and do fun things, like watching a particular TV drama on Thursday nights. I also make time to go running or ride the bike. I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to study on Sundays because it's the Lord's day but also because it should be a day of rest. And you know, it's promised that if you make sacrifices of obedience, you will be blessed. I hope those blessings come in the form of a good score since I'm sacrificing study time! But as soon as my test is over, then I will just have to keep busy with finishing up my letter of intent and applications, and then finding a job. Sigh.
You know I never thought I'd get a higher degree (and maybe I still won't!), so it's pretty intimidating to me. I'm really nervous. But I know it will all work out for the best.
I went swing dancing for Halloween, dressed up like a punk witch thing. Did some modeling yesterday, and that was cool... something I always wanted to try.
Chris is in the process of applying to be a police officer with Mesa PD. Dad and Brian are coming down for Thanksgiving. London just received the Aaronic Priesthood, and Forrest is getting baptized next weekend. Awesome family stuff. And there's always the issue of what will happen in the future, and me always worrying about it and not knowing what to do. It's just not stuff I can afford to think about right now. I only have enough brains to finish the Reading Comprehension section for today.
Well, I need to get back to studyin'.... this test isn't going to pass itself!

What I do

I feel like I've started a new life, in a way. In a new place, with a new (almost non-existent) routine, making new friends. I even have confidence for a change. I still have a hard time sleeping, though. New bed. Trying to fill my time up with things that can take my mind off of my longing and heartache. The GRE test prep does a pretty good job of that. I also do little chores around the house, browse and send resumes to job opps, visit family members, run errands, over-eating and exercise, and of course, a little goofing around.
I'm grateful that I have such a cool ward. School wards just piss me off; they're very shallow and everyone's so worried about appearances. But my ward... my ward is just a big group of friends. And I feel welcomed. Very welcomed, indeed. I don't care that it's mostly all girls. I don't care that the choir is 4 members. I don't care that the bishop didn't notice me. I don't care that there are creepy weirdo guys. I just care that I feel accepted. Finally. It's nice to belong somewhere. To have friends. It's really helped with the transition.
Spending time with family. Let's touch on this. Some of you may know that I am very relationship-centered. My emotions fluctuate with the quality of my relationships with others, especially family, and I pay particular attention to the feelings and interactions that occur in most situations (thanks to working with emotionally-charged teenage girls). Or maybe you don't know -- I'm just finding this out myself. Anyhow, I've been watching a lot of these interactions with my family, particularly my grandparents and my aunt & uncle. Some of the bitterness and selfish thinking and behaviors I've seen have made me feel sad for both sides. I wish better for them. I wish better for myself. I don't want to end up that way. And I can think of one amazing person who loves me so much more than I deserve.... and I don't ever want to give that up. It's just not fair. The time will come to make a choice one day. Whichever choice is made, it will be the right one.

The First Week

My first week here has been a long and emotional one. Basically, my day consists of goofing around on FB, studying for the GRE, and cleaning my retainers. Interesting, no? I have seen a lot of my cousins, though. I'm happy about that. For a two-year-old Lily has a great vocabulary.
On Tuesday, I visited Chris at work and he helped me put some stuff away in storage. We had a really good talk; like we were getting acquainted with each other as adults. That night, I went to Native New Yorker with Jared, and got me some yummy honey hots! On Thursday, I got a job at Touching Hearts at Home. Also, I helped Uncle Matt grout the floor in the back room and bathroom, then went with my mom to pick up Grandma at the airport. We had Mi Amigos together. On Friday, we had dinner with the Keaster's.... steak and potatoes. Jaiden and Lily were there only. On Saturday, Gramma and I went to the Keaster's again because Matt caught some fish and fried it up. London was there, too. Afterward, I went over to the Kat's Korner for to get on some great swing dancing. I felt so welcomed by people I used to dance with there... I danced a lot of songs, and even asked a couple of people to dance with me! It made me feel accepted and therefore confident. On Sunday, I got all gussied up and had myself a photo shoot, then went to my new ward. I did the brave thing and sat by a girl and introduced myself. She was new, too. We filled out forms and got our pictures taken. It was freezing in Relief Society. But there are a few people I saw on the ward list that I know from like junior high. Micah Bodine, Alyssa Opie, Judy & Danae Blanch... wow haha what a flashback. Well people seem pretty nice there. There were a LOT of girls, but guys eventually showed up after Church started. Bishop hardly looked at me when his counselor tried to introduce me and Alexis to him. He just told us to go do the paperwork. =( Bummer.
And every night this week, I talked on Skype with Jason. I do miss him so much, but I need to remind myself that it's not good for us to be together... not 'safe'. I think there may come a day when I will have to make a difficult decision, one that is a major life-changing decision. You know how I hate those. I don't know what I'll do but hopefully I'll be in a place where the Spirit can guide me to make the right, the better choice.
I need to keep up with running. It's too cold to swim, otherwise I would do that instead. Need to go study, too. Bye.

In a daze

So I'm in Mesa now. I don't know how it happened. I was just minding my own business, living in Provo, and then 12 hours later I live in Mesa. Like, whoa. What the freak just happened? Some hole must've ripped open in the space-time continuum because I do not remember bringing most of myself with me. That includes my heart. I wonder when it will all sink in? I feel like I'm living in a dream right now. It's probably the caffeine crash talking.
Yeah, unreal. I need to see this area in the daytime because we got here at 10pm and I'm disoriented. I will go about and navigate the area tomorrow probably. I need to dump some crap in my storage space and fill out a change of address and go bother my brother. Also, I should find a way to work out. Maybe I will swim if it's not chilly yet. Or wet my hair and go running. Grandma says I shouldn't run because I will ruin my knees. Sounds like a personal problem.
I just know of one place I wish I could be but it is far away from here. The same is a bane to my life. Torture, much? Yes please, I'll take two. -Sigh- I hope it rains.
Still in a daze.......................

Dread

Still looking for a job. Ugh, this is the scary part.
What's new, what's new.... oh yes I'm working a few more shifts at work before I leave. The rest of the week I will be packing and cleaning and moving my shiz out. It's scary and weird to break tradition like this. I like things the way they are and I don't want them to change. Not one bit! But they need to change. I'm just dreading it.

I'm minimizing sugar intake again. I'm gonna try to only eat sweets lightly on the weekends (Sat & Sun). Daily desserts is not a healthy habit.

Ugh!! I feel so unmotivated to do anything! This moving thing SUCKS! ='(

Random Thoughts!

My mind is going crazy. I just need to say some stuff that's on my mind.
1. Whoever Skankerella is, she needs to put some clothes on.
2. Jason, although this is not our time, I don't want you out of my life. I still love you and you are still a wonderful guy with a lot to offer. And you mean so much to me.
3. I don't want to work from 11am - 3pm today. But it's not for very long. I'm just worried about doing the leadership thing. I hope I don't screw it up.
4. I hate that I'm a slow reader. I wish I was done with this book already ("Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osten).
5. How does caffeine go about making me DROWSY? Really right now?
6. Omg I ate so much ice cream last night... hahaha....
7. Dear guys who want to date me: Be my friend first because at this point, I don't know what I want and I won't be able to show interest in you at this time. I'm in transition and I'm still in love with someone.
8. Should I sell/give away my storage items or keep them for one day when I live somewhere unfurnished? I'd just like to save that extra $25/month in storage fees.
9. I wonder what ever happened to that storage key I tried mailing to my mom?
10. I'm glad Mom and I chatted on the phone the other day and I'm glad that Jason didn't come up in the conversation.
11. Gosh I hope I can find a job soon.
12. I need to clean this computer.
13. I want to start a family SO BADLY right now. I'm so jealous of my friends who have a spouse and babies. I want babies!! Ohhhhh! So so so so much!
14. My thoughts are so loud right now. I can't concentrate. I need more than 2 hours of sleep when I get home. I'll be getting on a normal sleep schedule again - yay!

P_R_A_Y_E_R: my anti-drug

Wow finally got those blasted braces off! I kinda miss em, you know? Cuz it's been a year and a half. Well, I am still very satisfied with my new and improved smile. I'm looking forward to showing it off to everyone. I definitely feel more confident. Now to lose that blasted weight...

Been trying to make my blog more user-friendly and also more individualistic. Let me know how you like the new scheme!

My last shift at Stara is tomorrow night. I will definitely miss the girls! But I will definitely not miss the weird sleep schedule. I've applied to several jobs, and I intend to apply to however many more it takes before I get a job. How hard can it be for a college grad? I'm taking whatever I can get at this point, so maybe that's makes me a shoe-in? *shrugs*

ASU's MFT program doesn't require the GRE, but I will probably still take it and apply to BYU just in case. I'd rather not live in Provo again, unless there's a certain path I'm supposed to take.

I hope my car isn't completely trashed. It's been running pretty crappily lately and I've been worried. Yesterday, I was driving for just a little bit and the radio kept turning on and off on its own. I don't think it's supposed to do that.

Well, it just looks like things are going to work out for my move to AZ after all. I've accepted the inevitable- the fact that I will feel completely alone despite being surrounded by my family. I just put my faith in the Lord that as it has worked out for me to go, it will work out for me to not be miserable. I guess there's a certain amount of control I have over that, but when it comes to my emotions, I don't have much control at all. I pray that I will, and I pray that my heart can heal quickly.

Good stuffins

A big sigh of relief in the life department for me. My Pullen grandparents are going to be driving back from Utah on the 12th and said they would help me move some of my stuff down to their house in Mesa, where they're going to let me stay! I will have to ask the girl buying my contract to wait a little longer, however, and that'll be hard. But whatever day she wants to move in, I can just stay at Aunt Iva's for those days before my grandfolks are ready to leave. This means I've settled the following concerns:

*whether my car can make it to AZ

*having some boxes shipped to myself

*where i am going to live

*if i will get my retainers before i leave

PLUS I will have an extra week to finish packing and maybe meet up with some friends to say goodbye. I could also cover a couple of shifts that week if necessary. I could also meet with my counselor one last time.

Oh that reminds me! My Bishop called me out of the blue last night just to check up on me and say hi! Because he knows I'm leaving soon, and he referred me to my counselor, and he knows about a lot of the stuff that's been going on with my life. He cares about me!! Oh that's the best feeling!

By the way, I don't like to be told what I should feel. I think that's something I learned about myself recently.

Dreams come true, but not always how you want

You know how some people have a list of things they want to do before they die? Well one of those things just got crossed out on my list. I found my brother and sister.

Long story short, after divorcing my dad, their mom took them across the country, changed their last names, changed their addresses and phone numbers, etc. The twins were just five at the time. The last time I saw them was Christmas of 2000. I probably haven't actually contacted them for some 4 or 5 years. Lately, I'd been having dreams about meeting them, so I would check to see if there was anything online about where they might be and how I could reach them. But now it seems secure; They've had Facebook for two days now, and I happened to do a search for them last night and found them. I knew this would one day happen, I just didn't know when! But I'm so excited to finally have a relationship with them! They asked me to call them tomorrow, and that makes me smile. I'm glad that they do not have a negative image of me and Chris. That would've torn my heart apart. There are still a lot of things that need to be resolved; it's quite overwhelming, but I just need to have patience. No change for good can happen overnight. It will take time and love and truth. I hope I can facilitate a change for the better.

A Little Hope

I was supposed to get my braces off today but was rejected since I had a little gap. Grr! Very disappointing. I have to wait until next Wednesday. But today was still fun, nonetheless. Just mostly hung out with my bestie. We played Guitar Hero, got some foods, etc. It was chill and fun.

Still looking for a job. Going to e-mail some more inquiries tonight. Some people back in Mesa have referred me to a couple of places I could live. If the rent and location are reasonable, I'd totally go for it. Chris called me the other day telling me that he mentioned to someone from our old ward that I was looking for a job and that I should expect a call. SWEET! My brother rules! We'll see if it works out. That would be awesome.

I can't believe I'll be moving so soon! It's hard to imagine. I'm scared and I don't want to leave. But only good things can come of this. I just have to keep telling myself that. -Sigh- At least I will have my family there to support me.

P.s. - I love Charlie the Unicorn - BAHahahahaaaa

Drama Magnet

Barely awake for 4 hours and already this day has lived up to absolute suckage. BLAHHHHH.

First, I wake up to 16 text messages. One is from Chris asking why Mom is telling him, in essence, that I don't love her anymore, and 15 are the pictures I asked Jason to send me. Pictures that I just wanted to upload on my computer, that I would have to forward to my email. That's 30 texts... grr. Not as big of a deal, since he did do what I asked. It was my fault for not specifying.

Then, one of my facebook friends has people making irreverent references to body parts on her status. I replied, saying it was disgusting, and she replied saying that I need to relax, it was just Facebook, everyone has these parts anyway, sex is natural, blah blah blah. I replied that having sensitivity to morality issues doesn't make me uptight and that uptightness must be relative; and sure enough she deletes me from her friends and says she's not going to judge me but also doesn't want to be judged... WTF?! Hypocrite, much? Overreacting much? Mmmm yes. Chill pills definitely need to be prescribed here.

Then, one or two co-workers are going overtime this week and need me to come in early to cover them because of it. The problem is, all 3 carpooled to work together, so all 3 need to leave at the same time, which means that all 3 need replacements at 9:30. I had planned to see Jason tonight, since I didn't get to see him yesterday because of work....

All I want to do is see Jason. After all this stupid drama, I just want him to hold me and kiss my forehead and tell me I'm still awesome.

What a stupid way to start the day. Not even a little bit of Jason to make it all better. =(

My Sweetest Blessing

Wow hey! It's Wednesday. Anyway...

There's a certain cleansing feeling that comes from getting rid of junk I never use. Today I went through bathroom stuff and a few more books. I probably wouldn't go through stuff of my own accord. It's only because I'll be moving soon. This is the plan still, anyways. I hope it works out. I don't even know where I'm going to live. Heh. Or work. Thankfully, I have last resort back-ups. That puts me quite at ease.

I am worried that I won't have enough time to study for the GRE. Ideally, I would take it next month, but I won't be ready at all. Late November at the latest. I'll see what I can do. I'm worried, though.

I bought another pair of earrings on Ebay. They're several little cubic zirconia surrounding a middle stone. They're size 2 gauge. They have screw-on backs, so they're much easier than the 4g ones I had, which were grooved for o-rings. These new ones make me look like I'm majorly blingin'.

For work/internship I'm putting together leadership outlines from a couple of books. The one I'm doing now is 7 Habits by Covey. It was really good for me to go through and read/review it, especially the first habit.... Be Proactive. I've realized that I've been more reactive than proactive lately, and I need to get over that. This has been a blessing to me.

Another blessing in my life has been my best friend, Jason. I don't know how I would've made it through this past year without his love and understanding. Those are two very deep words. Spelling the words out alone does not do justice to the weight of what he has done for me. This is something that matters SO much to me. It's good to feel the gratitude constantly. He deserves it. Love you, Jase! You know, I wouldn't have met him in the great circumstances that I did if I hadn't been struggling at the Phoenix. I wouldn't have been struggling at the Phoenix if I wasn't asked to switch from the Focus to the Phoenix. I wouldn't have been asked to switch if I didn't get the job at the Journey. I wouldn't have gotten the job if I didn't work in Veg Prep with a co-worker who suggested I apply. I wouldn't have worked in Veg Prep if I hadn't moved to Utah. I wouldn't have moved to Utah if I didn't get accepted to BYU. I wouldn't have gotten accepted to BYU if I hadn't been a good student. I wouldn't have been a good student if I hadn't had good role models and guidance. Thus, I attribute one of the greatest blessings in my life (Jason), to one of life's greatest blessings: good role models and guidance. I thank my Heavenly Father for the wonderful blessings he has so cleverly and graciously conferred on me.

Life is sweet.

A Maundering

I'm really proud of Jason with all that he's been working on lately. I'm really happy for him. I still wonder if it will feel right later on. I don't see why it shouldn't, but I guess I will just have to get worthy and figure it out. Grr, I hate not knowing. I know I have a choice in the matter; that's not the issue. The issue is how can I make the best choice. I don't want to go into anything with doubt or fear, but since I'm somewhat traumatized by constant divorce in my family, I think fear is going to be natural for me when it comes to this stuff. But I know Heavenly Father will help me out; He knows what's up.

I'm grateful to Jason for helping settle some of my concerns and stressors. I'm so glad he's still willing to help me figure stuff out. He's so handy like that. Makes me feel like I really need him -- for life skills, for emotional support, etc. He's a good man.

Right now I'm trying to learn several grips of new words. It's fun but also quite overwhelming. I hope I can remember them, or at least the root words. I just discovered there's a math section to this test. -sob- That'll be the worst of it.

I've found myself giving money to an increased number of charitable causes. It's mainly because it's asked for, and God commanded us to give of our substance - you know, from the stuff we've been given. That's like consecration, right? Well I wouldn't have mentioned it here publicly, but some have inquired so I thought I'd let them know the basics of WTF I think I'm doing.

Everyone and their mother (literally) is being let go from their jobs nowadays and that sucks. What kind of asinine (vocab word) individual must I be for voluntarily quitting and looking elsewhere? That's worrisome. There are few but significant cons to leaving Utah to which adjustment will be arduous (vocab word).

The night shift kinda sucks, but it has its perks. For instance, I can beguile (vocab word) the night doing whatever I want. Also, I've found myself starting to pity those who go to bed when it's still dark outside, as if they are children or something. Haha. Babies.... jk I'm sure no one is too jealous of my schedule.

I've picked up running again just within the last month or so. I didn't make it to my goal last semester, but over the summer I've generally maintained my weight. With more running, I am more hungry more often which can be adverse (vocab word) if there is a brownie pan nearby. I try to go a little further every day if I can. I went for 25 minutes today. I run about a 12-minute mile, so I went 2 miles today. I remember when I would go 4-5. Ha ha ~ Oh the hilarity. =)

K that's about it. Loves.

Going?

So my family in Arizona has been begging me back since the day I left. I will have finished my undergraduate internship by the end of September and have planned on moving back then. I'm a strong believer in things working themselves out the way that God feels is best for me. This is how it works: I make a decision, then put my trust in Him. Every time I have done this, without fail, I looked back and heaved a sigh of relief at what would've probably been a worse scenario.

This time, I'm going to make the moves to get ready to go to Arizona, and if this is what will make me happiest, God will make it happen.

However, some things have come to my mind that I am stressed about. I don't know if my car can make it. I don't know whether I will have help carrying my stuff down to AZ or if I will have to ship stuff to myself. I don't have a job lined up yet. I don't have a place to live. I would've liked to be in Utah when I ask my professors for grad school recommendation letters, but I know I have other options of I am out-of-state. These are pretty big factors. I know I still have three weeks to figure it out, but that's not much time. Who knows? Things may just work out at the last second.

Yeah, I'm studying for the GRE. It's required to apply to grad school, which I want to do this year. My first choice is ASU because it's right there. I would also do U of A or BYU (only because it's cheap tuition, mind you). We'll just wait and see. Do they give scholarships to grad students? I still have a lot of learning to do. Especially within the likes of hundreds of new vocabulary words for this ridiculous test to which I've enslaved myself. Well, I'm a good test-taker so even if I'm suffering from brain deficiency, I can use logic and reasoning to figure out the answers.

Quote of the yesterday:

"No, Jakeb, the only true excitement out of life is from watching other people play sports and get paid millions of dollars doing it. Otherwise, life is not worth living. Just ask the starving orphans in Africa." ~ me

mmm yeah I disagree with the having people who get paid ridiculous monies and incentives to play sports. Their purpose is pure entertainment, like an actor or a singer. Really, I think it's bogus and that much money could be used for a lot more -- oh I don't know -- life-saving pursuits. It especially bugs me that zoobies are so obsessed about their football games. Get lives, people!

Today I get to work a 13.5 hour grave shift (yayyyy). o_o

I'm just staying to observe a process group and activity with the girls. It's for my internship. Ok time to study.

Leave me comments. =)

An Intro of Interest

Hey fans!

Here's a blog for people who just can't get enough out of the creepishly thorough stalking capabilities Facebook has to offer, and just HAVE to know the details about the Stax.

This is the third of three blogs I have. The oldest was started in 2004, after I left for college, is private, and is mostly used for clearing my head. The second is a collection of writings, which I haven't updated in forever. I decided to have something detailed online with which to inform the masses regarding myself. Hence, you are reading this.

In this here blog, I will be bringing the funny that is my life (sometimes) and other people's lives (most of the time).

K bye for now.