What I do

I feel like I've started a new life, in a way. In a new place, with a new (almost non-existent) routine, making new friends. I even have confidence for a change. I still have a hard time sleeping, though. New bed. Trying to fill my time up with things that can take my mind off of my longing and heartache. The GRE test prep does a pretty good job of that. I also do little chores around the house, browse and send resumes to job opps, visit family members, run errands, over-eating and exercise, and of course, a little goofing around.
I'm grateful that I have such a cool ward. School wards just piss me off; they're very shallow and everyone's so worried about appearances. But my ward... my ward is just a big group of friends. And I feel welcomed. Very welcomed, indeed. I don't care that it's mostly all girls. I don't care that the choir is 4 members. I don't care that the bishop didn't notice me. I don't care that there are creepy weirdo guys. I just care that I feel accepted. Finally. It's nice to belong somewhere. To have friends. It's really helped with the transition.
Spending time with family. Let's touch on this. Some of you may know that I am very relationship-centered. My emotions fluctuate with the quality of my relationships with others, especially family, and I pay particular attention to the feelings and interactions that occur in most situations (thanks to working with emotionally-charged teenage girls). Or maybe you don't know -- I'm just finding this out myself. Anyhow, I've been watching a lot of these interactions with my family, particularly my grandparents and my aunt & uncle. Some of the bitterness and selfish thinking and behaviors I've seen have made me feel sad for both sides. I wish better for them. I wish better for myself. I don't want to end up that way. And I can think of one amazing person who loves me so much more than I deserve.... and I don't ever want to give that up. It's just not fair. The time will come to make a choice one day. Whichever choice is made, it will be the right one.