Tuesday, October 27, 2009

What I do

I feel like I've started a new life, in a way. In a new place, with a new (almost non-existent) routine, making new friends. I even have confidence for a change. I still have a hard time sleeping, though. New bed. Trying to fill my time up with things that can take my mind off of my longing and heartache. The GRE test prep does a pretty good job of that. I also do little chores around the house, browse and send resumes to job opps, visit family members, run errands, over-eating and exercise, and of course, a little goofing around.
I'm grateful that I have such a cool ward. School wards just piss me off; they're very shallow and everyone's so worried about appearances. But my ward... my ward is just a big group of friends. And I feel welcomed. Very welcomed, indeed. I don't care that it's mostly all girls. I don't care that the choir is 4 members. I don't care that the bishop didn't notice me. I don't care that there are creepy weirdo guys. I just care that I feel accepted. Finally. It's nice to belong somewhere. To have friends. It's really helped with the transition.
Spending time with family. Let's touch on this. Some of you may know that I am very relationship-centered. My emotions fluctuate with the quality of my relationships with others, especially family, and I pay particular attention to the feelings and interactions that occur in most situations (thanks to working with emotionally-charged teenage girls). Or maybe you don't know -- I'm just finding this out myself. Anyhow, I've been watching a lot of these interactions with my family, particularly my grandparents and my aunt & uncle. Some of the bitterness and selfish thinking and behaviors I've seen have made me feel sad for both sides. I wish better for them. I wish better for myself. I don't want to end up that way. And I can think of one amazing person who loves me so much more than I deserve.... and I don't ever want to give that up. It's just not fair. The time will come to make a choice one day. Whichever choice is made, it will be the right one.

Monday, October 19, 2009

The First Week

My first week here has been a long and emotional one. Basically, my day consists of goofing around on FB, studying for the GRE, and cleaning my retainers. Interesting, no? I have seen a lot of my cousins, though. I'm happy about that. For a two-year-old Lily has a great vocabulary.
On Tuesday, I visited Chris at work and he helped me put some stuff away in storage. We had a really good talk; like we were getting acquainted with each other as adults. That night, I went to Native New Yorker with Jared, and got me some yummy honey hots! On Thursday, I got a job at Touching Hearts at Home. Also, I helped Uncle Matt grout the floor in the back room and bathroom, then went with my mom to pick up Grandma at the airport. We had Mi Amigos together. On Friday, we had dinner with the Keaster's.... steak and potatoes. Jaiden and Lily were there only. On Saturday, Gramma and I went to the Keaster's again because Matt caught some fish and fried it up. London was there, too. Afterward, I went over to the Kat's Korner for to get on some great swing dancing. I felt so welcomed by people I used to dance with there... I danced a lot of songs, and even asked a couple of people to dance with me! It made me feel accepted and therefore confident. On Sunday, I got all gussied up and had myself a photo shoot, then went to my new ward. I did the brave thing and sat by a girl and introduced myself. She was new, too. We filled out forms and got our pictures taken. It was freezing in Relief Society. But there are a few people I saw on the ward list that I know from like junior high. Micah Bodine, Alyssa Opie, Judy & Danae Blanch... wow haha what a flashback. Well people seem pretty nice there. There were a LOT of girls, but guys eventually showed up after Church started. Bishop hardly looked at me when his counselor tried to introduce me and Alexis to him. He just told us to go do the paperwork. =( Bummer.
And every night this week, I talked on Skype with Jason. I do miss him so much, but I need to remind myself that it's not good for us to be together... not 'safe'. I think there may come a day when I will have to make a difficult decision, one that is a major life-changing decision. You know how I hate those. I don't know what I'll do but hopefully I'll be in a place where the Spirit can guide me to make the right, the better choice.
I need to keep up with running. It's too cold to swim, otherwise I would do that instead. Need to go study, too. Bye.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

In a daze

So I'm in Mesa now. I don't know how it happened. I was just minding my own business, living in Provo, and then 12 hours later I live in Mesa. Like, whoa. What the freak just happened? Some hole must've ripped open in the space-time continuum because I do not remember bringing most of myself with me. That includes my heart. I wonder when it will all sink in? I feel like I'm living in a dream right now. It's probably the caffeine crash talking.
Yeah, unreal. I need to see this area in the daytime because we got here at 10pm and I'm disoriented. I will go about and navigate the area tomorrow probably. I need to dump some crap in my storage space and fill out a change of address and go bother my brother. Also, I should find a way to work out. Maybe I will swim if it's not chilly yet. Or wet my hair and go running. Grandma says I shouldn't run because I will ruin my knees. Sounds like a personal problem.
I just know of one place I wish I could be but it is far away from here. The same is a bane to my life. Torture, much? Yes please, I'll take two. -Sigh- I hope it rains.
Still in a daze.......................

Monday, October 5, 2009


Still looking for a job. Ugh, this is the scary part.
What's new, what's new.... oh yes I'm working a few more shifts at work before I leave. The rest of the week I will be packing and cleaning and moving my shiz out. It's scary and weird to break tradition like this. I like things the way they are and I don't want them to change. Not one bit! But they need to change. I'm just dreading it.

I'm minimizing sugar intake again. I'm gonna try to only eat sweets lightly on the weekends (Sat & Sun). Daily desserts is not a healthy habit.

Ugh!! I feel so unmotivated to do anything! This moving thing SUCKS! ='(

Friday, October 2, 2009

Random Thoughts!

My mind is going crazy. I just need to say some stuff that's on my mind.
1. Whoever Skankerella is, she needs to put some clothes on.
2. Jason, although this is not our time, I don't want you out of my life. I still love you and you are still a wonderful guy with a lot to offer. And you mean so much to me.
3. I don't want to work from 11am - 3pm today. But it's not for very long. I'm just worried about doing the leadership thing. I hope I don't screw it up.
4. I hate that I'm a slow reader. I wish I was done with this book already ("Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osten).
5. How does caffeine go about making me DROWSY? Really right now?
6. Omg I ate so much ice cream last night... hahaha....
7. Dear guys who want to date me: Be my friend first because at this point, I don't know what I want and I won't be able to show interest in you at this time. I'm in transition and I'm still in love with someone.
8. Should I sell/give away my storage items or keep them for one day when I live somewhere unfurnished? I'd just like to save that extra $25/month in storage fees.
9. I wonder what ever happened to that storage key I tried mailing to my mom?
10. I'm glad Mom and I chatted on the phone the other day and I'm glad that Jason didn't come up in the conversation.
11. Gosh I hope I can find a job soon.
12. I need to clean this computer.
13. I want to start a family SO BADLY right now. I'm so jealous of my friends who have a spouse and babies. I want babies!! Ohhhhh! So so so so much!
14. My thoughts are so loud right now. I can't concentrate. I need more than 2 hours of sleep when I get home. I'll be getting on a normal sleep schedule again - yay!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

P_R_A_Y_E_R: my anti-drug

Wow finally got those blasted braces off! I kinda miss em, you know? Cuz it's been a year and a half. Well, I am still very satisfied with my new and improved smile. I'm looking forward to showing it off to everyone. I definitely feel more confident. Now to lose that blasted weight...
Been trying to make my blog more user-friendly and also more individualistic. Let me know how you like the new scheme!

My last shift at Stara is tomorrow night. I will definitely miss the girls! But I will definitely not miss the weird sleep schedule. I've applied to several jobs, and I intend to apply to however many more it takes before I get a job. How hard can it be for a college grad? I'm taking whatever I can get at this point, so maybe that's makes me a shoe-in? *shrugs*

ASU's MFT program doesn't require the GRE, but I will probably still take it and apply to BYU just in case. I'd rather not live in Provo again, unless there's a certain path I'm supposed to take.

I hope my car isn't completely trashed. It's been running pretty crappily lately and I've been worried. Yesterday, I was driving for just a little bit and the radio kept turning on and off on its own. I don't think it's supposed to do that.

Well, it just looks like things are going to work out for my move to AZ after all. I've accepted the inevitable- the fact that I will feel completely alone despite being surrounded by my family. I just put my faith in the Lord that as it has worked out for me to go, it will work out for me to not be miserable. I guess there's a certain amount of control I have over that, but when it comes to my emotions, I don't have much control at all. I pray that I will, and I pray that my heart can heal quickly.