I hate this whole not having a job thing. Seriously, I'm getting stir-crazy up in here. The high lack of response from most emails is pretty disheartening. I suppose an on-call job is better than no job at all?? Did I just say that? Yes, I think I just said that. Yes, it is better. I need to make some moneys!
I've tried to be more physically active this week, at the expense of my darned hip. I'm only 23; I shouldn't be having HIP PROBLEMS! On Monday, I went walking; Wednesday, I went for a bike ride; Thursday, I walked and played volleyball. Yesterday, I was going to go ice skating, but that didn't work out, unfortunately. Maybe I will go roller blading today. Fruit-booting, as my old friends would call it. Hahaha.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Small Talk
Well, my beloved reader, I'm feeling a lack of creativity at the moment, so I will just go straight in to updating. The BYU application is in, and ASU's is due next month. Secretly, if I get in anywhere, I want it to be BYU, just because their program is 100% awesomer than ASU's. Somehow, though, I'm thinking I won't get in to either school because I feel like I'm lacking something. Ugh.... excuse me, it's just that my laffy taffy is not very laffy at all. ANYWAYS....
I learned something new about myself recently. I don't dislike people, or even approaching them... and my sometimes utter refusal to do so is not driven by a lack of self-confidence. The truth is, in fact, that I totally hate small talk. It is absolutely shallow and is a pathetic way for "popular" people to make "friends". Sometimes witty small talk can make a good conversation starter, but I don't think it should ever be dwelled on. It is not unique; anyone can say "Nice weather". You learn nothing about a person from it, except in cases where people like myself who hate the stuff, try to turn it into maybe something deeper. I want to find more people like that; people who want to truly know the person under the shell. Everyone has a shell, but no two people have the same depth. A really cool person won't ask you and everyone else the same questions over and over again, attempting to "get to know" you. They will find out what makes you tick, what kind of sense of humor you have, what nerves not to hit, etc just from talking to you about the room lighting. I think a person who can recognize that is the kind of person I want to get to know. So, you can approach me and talk to me, but don't ask me my line of work, whether I'm in school, who I live with, etc... if you break down my wall by showing me that you REALLY care, then you can ask those questions later. DO comment on what the type of drink says about which stereotypical party we're at. Silly, witty, thoughtful banter usually wins me as long as you aren't being boastful.
That being said, I feel a lot better because I know that it's not an aversion to people or making friends or a lack of self confidence. Sweet.
Ok well I have a job interview soon, so Imma get ready for that now. Ciao!
I learned something new about myself recently. I don't dislike people, or even approaching them... and my sometimes utter refusal to do so is not driven by a lack of self-confidence. The truth is, in fact, that I totally hate small talk. It is absolutely shallow and is a pathetic way for "popular" people to make "friends". Sometimes witty small talk can make a good conversation starter, but I don't think it should ever be dwelled on. It is not unique; anyone can say "Nice weather". You learn nothing about a person from it, except in cases where people like myself who hate the stuff, try to turn it into maybe something deeper. I want to find more people like that; people who want to truly know the person under the shell. Everyone has a shell, but no two people have the same depth. A really cool person won't ask you and everyone else the same questions over and over again, attempting to "get to know" you. They will find out what makes you tick, what kind of sense of humor you have, what nerves not to hit, etc just from talking to you about the room lighting. I think a person who can recognize that is the kind of person I want to get to know. So, you can approach me and talk to me, but don't ask me my line of work, whether I'm in school, who I live with, etc... if you break down my wall by showing me that you REALLY care, then you can ask those questions later. DO comment on what the type of drink says about which stereotypical party we're at. Silly, witty, thoughtful banter usually wins me as long as you aren't being boastful.
That being said, I feel a lot better because I know that it's not an aversion to people or making friends or a lack of self confidence. Sweet.
Ok well I have a job interview soon, so Imma get ready for that now. Ciao!
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Life of the Unemployed Non-Student
I guess it's been a few weeks since I updated you on the intimacies of my life. I've been literally consumed in studies for the GRE, which I take on Monday, November 23rd at 8am. I'm very worried about getting in sufficient studying to get an acceptable score but I think I'll just have to do the best that I can. Ahhhh!
I do find time to go out with people and do fun things, like watching a particular TV drama on Thursday nights. I also make time to go running or ride the bike. I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to study on Sundays because it's the Lord's day but also because it should be a day of rest. And you know, it's promised that if you make sacrifices of obedience, you will be blessed. I hope those blessings come in the form of a good score since I'm sacrificing study time! But as soon as my test is over, then I will just have to keep busy with finishing up my letter of intent and applications, and then finding a job. Sigh.
You know I never thought I'd get a higher degree (and maybe I still won't!), so it's pretty intimidating to me. I'm really nervous. But I know it will all work out for the best.
I went swing dancing for Halloween, dressed up like a punk witch thing. Did some modeling yesterday, and that was cool... something I always wanted to try.
Chris is in the process of applying to be a police officer with Mesa PD. Dad and Brian are coming down for Thanksgiving. London just received the Aaronic Priesthood, and Forrest is getting baptized next weekend. Awesome family stuff. And there's always the issue of what will happen in the future, and me always worrying about it and not knowing what to do. It's just not stuff I can afford to think about right now. I only have enough brains to finish the Reading Comprehension section for today.
Well, I need to get back to studyin'.... this test isn't going to pass itself!
I do find time to go out with people and do fun things, like watching a particular TV drama on Thursday nights. I also make time to go running or ride the bike. I decided a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to study on Sundays because it's the Lord's day but also because it should be a day of rest. And you know, it's promised that if you make sacrifices of obedience, you will be blessed. I hope those blessings come in the form of a good score since I'm sacrificing study time! But as soon as my test is over, then I will just have to keep busy with finishing up my letter of intent and applications, and then finding a job. Sigh.
You know I never thought I'd get a higher degree (and maybe I still won't!), so it's pretty intimidating to me. I'm really nervous. But I know it will all work out for the best.
I went swing dancing for Halloween, dressed up like a punk witch thing. Did some modeling yesterday, and that was cool... something I always wanted to try.
Chris is in the process of applying to be a police officer with Mesa PD. Dad and Brian are coming down for Thanksgiving. London just received the Aaronic Priesthood, and Forrest is getting baptized next weekend. Awesome family stuff. And there's always the issue of what will happen in the future, and me always worrying about it and not knowing what to do. It's just not stuff I can afford to think about right now. I only have enough brains to finish the Reading Comprehension section for today.
Well, I need to get back to studyin'.... this test isn't going to pass itself!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What I do
I feel like I've started a new life, in a way. In a new place, with a new (almost non-existent) routine, making new friends. I even have confidence for a change. I still have a hard time sleeping, though. New bed. Trying to fill my time up with things that can take my mind off of my longing and heartache. The GRE test prep does a pretty good job of that. I also do little chores around the house, browse and send resumes to job opps, visit family members, run errands, over-eating and exercise, and of course, a little goofing around.
I'm grateful that I have such a cool ward. School wards just piss me off; they're very shallow and everyone's so worried about appearances. But my ward... my ward is just a big group of friends. And I feel welcomed. Very welcomed, indeed. I don't care that it's mostly all girls. I don't care that the choir is 4 members. I don't care that the bishop didn't notice me. I don't care that there are creepy weirdo guys. I just care that I feel accepted. Finally. It's nice to belong somewhere. To have friends. It's really helped with the transition.
Spending time with family. Let's touch on this. Some of you may know that I am very relationship-centered. My emotions fluctuate with the quality of my relationships with others, especially family, and I pay particular attention to the feelings and interactions that occur in most situations (thanks to working with emotionally-charged teenage girls). Or maybe you don't know -- I'm just finding this out myself. Anyhow, I've been watching a lot of these interactions with my family, particularly my grandparents and my aunt & uncle. Some of the bitterness and selfish thinking and behaviors I've seen have made me feel sad for both sides. I wish better for them. I wish better for myself. I don't want to end up that way. And I can think of one amazing person who loves me so much more than I deserve.... and I don't ever want to give that up. It's just not fair. The time will come to make a choice one day. Whichever choice is made, it will be the right one.
I'm grateful that I have such a cool ward. School wards just piss me off; they're very shallow and everyone's so worried about appearances. But my ward... my ward is just a big group of friends. And I feel welcomed. Very welcomed, indeed. I don't care that it's mostly all girls. I don't care that the choir is 4 members. I don't care that the bishop didn't notice me. I don't care that there are creepy weirdo guys. I just care that I feel accepted. Finally. It's nice to belong somewhere. To have friends. It's really helped with the transition.
Spending time with family. Let's touch on this. Some of you may know that I am very relationship-centered. My emotions fluctuate with the quality of my relationships with others, especially family, and I pay particular attention to the feelings and interactions that occur in most situations (thanks to working with emotionally-charged teenage girls). Or maybe you don't know -- I'm just finding this out myself. Anyhow, I've been watching a lot of these interactions with my family, particularly my grandparents and my aunt & uncle. Some of the bitterness and selfish thinking and behaviors I've seen have made me feel sad for both sides. I wish better for them. I wish better for myself. I don't want to end up that way. And I can think of one amazing person who loves me so much more than I deserve.... and I don't ever want to give that up. It's just not fair. The time will come to make a choice one day. Whichever choice is made, it will be the right one.
Monday, October 19, 2009
The First Week
My first week here has been a long and emotional one. Basically, my day consists of goofing around on FB, studying for the GRE, and cleaning my retainers. Interesting, no? I have seen a lot of my cousins, though. I'm happy about that. For a two-year-old Lily has a great vocabulary.
On Tuesday, I visited Chris at work and he helped me put some stuff away in storage. We had a really good talk; like we were getting acquainted with each other as adults. That night, I went to Native New Yorker with Jared, and got me some yummy honey hots! On Thursday, I got a job at Touching Hearts at Home. Also, I helped Uncle Matt grout the floor in the back room and bathroom, then went with my mom to pick up Grandma at the airport. We had Mi Amigos together. On Friday, we had dinner with the Keaster's.... steak and potatoes. Jaiden and Lily were there only. On Saturday, Gramma and I went to the Keaster's again because Matt caught some fish and fried it up. London was there, too. Afterward, I went over to the Kat's Korner for to get on some great swing dancing. I felt so welcomed by people I used to dance with there... I danced a lot of songs, and even asked a couple of people to dance with me! It made me feel accepted and therefore confident. On Sunday, I got all gussied up and had myself a photo shoot, then went to my new ward. I did the brave thing and sat by a girl and introduced myself. She was new, too. We filled out forms and got our pictures taken. It was freezing in Relief Society. But there are a few people I saw on the ward list that I know from like junior high. Micah Bodine, Alyssa Opie, Judy & Danae Blanch... wow haha what a flashback. Well people seem pretty nice there. There were a LOT of girls, but guys eventually showed up after Church started. Bishop hardly looked at me when his counselor tried to introduce me and Alexis to him. He just told us to go do the paperwork. =( Bummer.
And every night this week, I talked on Skype with Jason. I do miss him so much, but I need to remind myself that it's not good for us to be together... not 'safe'. I think there may come a day when I will have to make a difficult decision, one that is a major life-changing decision. You know how I hate those. I don't know what I'll do but hopefully I'll be in a place where the Spirit can guide me to make the right, the better choice.
I need to keep up with running. It's too cold to swim, otherwise I would do that instead. Need to go study, too. Bye.
On Tuesday, I visited Chris at work and he helped me put some stuff away in storage. We had a really good talk; like we were getting acquainted with each other as adults. That night, I went to Native New Yorker with Jared, and got me some yummy honey hots! On Thursday, I got a job at Touching Hearts at Home. Also, I helped Uncle Matt grout the floor in the back room and bathroom, then went with my mom to pick up Grandma at the airport. We had Mi Amigos together. On Friday, we had dinner with the Keaster's.... steak and potatoes. Jaiden and Lily were there only. On Saturday, Gramma and I went to the Keaster's again because Matt caught some fish and fried it up. London was there, too. Afterward, I went over to the Kat's Korner for to get on some great swing dancing. I felt so welcomed by people I used to dance with there... I danced a lot of songs, and even asked a couple of people to dance with me! It made me feel accepted and therefore confident. On Sunday, I got all gussied up and had myself a photo shoot, then went to my new ward. I did the brave thing and sat by a girl and introduced myself. She was new, too. We filled out forms and got our pictures taken. It was freezing in Relief Society. But there are a few people I saw on the ward list that I know from like junior high. Micah Bodine, Alyssa Opie, Judy & Danae Blanch... wow haha what a flashback. Well people seem pretty nice there. There were a LOT of girls, but guys eventually showed up after Church started. Bishop hardly looked at me when his counselor tried to introduce me and Alexis to him. He just told us to go do the paperwork. =( Bummer.
And every night this week, I talked on Skype with Jason. I do miss him so much, but I need to remind myself that it's not good for us to be together... not 'safe'. I think there may come a day when I will have to make a difficult decision, one that is a major life-changing decision. You know how I hate those. I don't know what I'll do but hopefully I'll be in a place where the Spirit can guide me to make the right, the better choice.
I need to keep up with running. It's too cold to swim, otherwise I would do that instead. Need to go study, too. Bye.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
In a daze
So I'm in Mesa now. I don't know how it happened. I was just minding my own business, living in Provo, and then 12 hours later I live in Mesa. Like, whoa. What the freak just happened? Some hole must've ripped open in the space-time continuum because I do not remember bringing most of myself with me. That includes my heart. I wonder when it will all sink in? I feel like I'm living in a dream right now. It's probably the caffeine crash talking.
Yeah, unreal. I need to see this area in the daytime because we got here at 10pm and I'm disoriented. I will go about and navigate the area tomorrow probably. I need to dump some crap in my storage space and fill out a change of address and go bother my brother. Also, I should find a way to work out. Maybe I will swim if it's not chilly yet. Or wet my hair and go running. Grandma says I shouldn't run because I will ruin my knees. Sounds like a personal problem.
I just know of one place I wish I could be but it is far away from here. The same is a bane to my life. Torture, much? Yes please, I'll take two. -Sigh- I hope it rains.
Still in a daze.......................
Yeah, unreal. I need to see this area in the daytime because we got here at 10pm and I'm disoriented. I will go about and navigate the area tomorrow probably. I need to dump some crap in my storage space and fill out a change of address and go bother my brother. Also, I should find a way to work out. Maybe I will swim if it's not chilly yet. Or wet my hair and go running. Grandma says I shouldn't run because I will ruin my knees. Sounds like a personal problem.
I just know of one place I wish I could be but it is far away from here. The same is a bane to my life. Torture, much? Yes please, I'll take two. -Sigh- I hope it rains.
Still in a daze.......................
Monday, October 5, 2009
Dread
Still looking for a job. Ugh, this is the scary part.
What's new, what's new.... oh yes I'm working a few more shifts at work before I leave. The rest of the week I will be packing and cleaning and moving my shiz out. It's scary and weird to break tradition like this. I like things the way they are and I don't want them to change. Not one bit! But they need to change. I'm just dreading it.
I'm minimizing sugar intake again. I'm gonna try to only eat sweets lightly on the weekends (Sat & Sun). Daily desserts is not a healthy habit.
Ugh!! I feel so unmotivated to do anything! This moving thing SUCKS! ='(
What's new, what's new.... oh yes I'm working a few more shifts at work before I leave. The rest of the week I will be packing and cleaning and moving my shiz out. It's scary and weird to break tradition like this. I like things the way they are and I don't want them to change. Not one bit! But they need to change. I'm just dreading it.
I'm minimizing sugar intake again. I'm gonna try to only eat sweets lightly on the weekends (Sat & Sun). Daily desserts is not a healthy habit.
Ugh!! I feel so unmotivated to do anything! This moving thing SUCKS! ='(
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